There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
