You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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