i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
