You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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