NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
You're a waste of cheezeits
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
