i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
