Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
