some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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