and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
