Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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