worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
