i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
