just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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