is your mom at the bar?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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