just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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