The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
