im about as happy as oj after his trial
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
