Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
