I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
