why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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