This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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