So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
