i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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