I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
