Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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