Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
We smell like vodka and hangover
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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