I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
