good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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