NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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