If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
