btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
