Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
