I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
