I feel like I'm in dance class right now
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
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There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
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My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.