Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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