He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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