so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
