i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
birth control should be required to get into college
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
