I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
