I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
