Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
