Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
