Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
