When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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