so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
