i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
