There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
