Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
