peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
