Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
