She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
