Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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