I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
