Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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