I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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