i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
