Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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